Precognitions
by Josephine Falnor
Summary: Hey, Matt?" "Yeah?" I asked, looking up from my game. "This is going to be my last birthday." One-shot in honor of Mello's 20th birthday. Matt's POV. Rated M for a small lemon and mature themes. I don't own Death Note, Matt, or Mello.


_**Author's Note: Hello everyone! I'm sure most of you in this fandom are already aware of this, but I figure I should say it anyways. Today, December 13, 2009, is Mello's 20**__**th**__** birthday in Death Note manga canon. It is also his last birthday, as he and Matt will die on January 26, 2010. **_

_**Anyways, I wrote this in honor of his birthday. Be prepared, because it's quite sad. I teared up when I wrote the end, but I cry easily when it comes to this pairing, so maybe we shouldn't go off of that, haha…**_

_**Oh, and a small announcement! There's a little lemonade in here! I'm not quite going to call it a lemon, but hey, it's the best you're going to get out of me right now, haha. I'm rating this 'M' mainly to boost my ego. It's sort of got a lemon, so yeah, 'M' rating. Maybe if I get adventurous, I'll try posting a real lemon sometime. **_

_**Also, this is sort of an experiment. I don't generally write like this, so please, leave a review and tell me what you thought.**_

_**Also, I don't own Death Note. If I did, this would not be Mello's last birthday, he and Matt would live, and the pairing would be canon. Yeah, in my fantasy world, they end up married, blah, blah, blah, it's pretty fluffy…so yeah, I don't own the series.**_

_**Oh, I have a poll on my profile. The question is who's seme? Matt or Mello. Please cast your votes! **_

_**One last thing; it's written from Matt's perspective. I hope I did him justice. ^_^**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

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"Hey, Matt?"

"Yeah?" I asked, looking up from my game.

"This is going to be my last birthday."

I was honestly surprised to hear Mello say anything about his birthday. I tried one time to say happy birthday to him, on the first birthday he spent at Wammy's, but it just made him angry. That might have been the angriest I've ever seen him, and I've seen him angry loads of times.

Mello yelled at me that he never wanted to hear another word about any one of his birthdays for as long as he lived. I hate to admit it, but he really had me scared. I've never, ever brought it up since. That time, I apologized over and over, and I guess it was enough for him, since he didn't hit me or anything. What can I say? He was an angry kid. It was unusual for him not to hit people that made him angry, and that included me, despite the fact I was his best friend.

It was sort of normal for him to freak out, I guess, since most of the kids (myself included) had a bad time their first year there, especially during days like their birthdays. I got over it though, as did most of the other kids; Mello never did. Every year, on December 13, he'd hole himself up in his room, and I was the only one able he'd let in. Actually, that's probably just because we shared the room, and Roger would've been mad if Mello didn't let me come in. I like to think though it was in part because he knew I wasn't going to say anything about his birthday, and he trusted me to keep my mouth shut.

So obviously, this year, on Mello's 20th birthday, I'm beyond shocked to hear him say anything about it. So shocked in fact, that it takes me a moment to understand what else he said.

"Mel…what're you talking about?" I try to be loud and confident, but I know my voice is quieter than I intended it to be. I'm fully aware of the fact that working on the Kira case is dangerous, and that one or both of us could end up dead, but still, hearing him say that is really hard.

"Matt, I'll be honest with you. I don't think I'm going to make it another six months; forget making it to next year."

"But Mello! You're only twenty years old! How can you know you're going to die?"

"I might not die. It's just a gut feeling, but my gut feelings are rarely wrong." Mello's face is hard as he stares out the window at the cold sky. He's obviously thinking intently about something.

"Mello, please…please don't say that. It's not right. You're supposed to be L; you're not ready to die yet!" At this point, I'm crying, but Mello hates crying, so I try to wipe my eyes before he has a chance to see.

"I'm not L. I'll never be L. That's been left to Near. All that's left for me to do is to do everything I can to ensure Kira is caught. That includes dying, if it comes to that."

"Kira isn't everything though; neither is becoming L." Every word he says hurts. It feels like he's just giving up on life, and a little bit on me. "Mello, what about me? Are you just going to leave me here by myself? Don't I matter?"

"Of course you matter." Mello turns away from the window and looks at me for the first time since the conversation began. It's almost painful to look in his eyes. Ever since he blew up the warehouse to keep from getting caught by the police, he's never returned to the same sort of cocky confidence he once had. "Don't ever think that you don't. It's just…if something happens, you need to be prepared, so it'll be less of a shock."

God, I feel so many different emotions as I listen to him. Sadness at the idea of my Mello; my beautiful, amazing Mello dying so soon. Anger and hurt at what he's saying. "Mello, you're going to leave me again. That's it, isn't it? That's what you're trying to say."

He shakes his head and steps closer to me. "No, Matt…I promised I'd never leave you again. You know that."

"If you die before me, that's the same thing as leaving."

Mello tries to come up with an argument, but he doesn't have one. "What do you want me to do?"

I think for a moment before saying anything. "Mello, since you're so set on dying, I want you to let me help. Whatever it is you think you're going to get killed doing, I want to be involved, okay? Whatever risk you run, I want to run it too."

He looks angry when he hears my request. "If you think I'm going to let you get killed too, you're crazy," he says, his voice almost a snarl.

"Let me help," I reply, holding my ground. "If you die, and you don't let me help, I swear I'll kill myself." No, I'm not suicidal. I just don't like the idea of Mello risking his life without me.

He freezes at my threat, and his face softens. "Matt…I can't be responsible for your death."

"If you die and I kill myself, you're just as responsible for my death as if you let me help you out, and I end up dying." I take a step closer to him, keeping my eyes focused on his. "Your other option is to just quit following the Kira case. Near can finish it on his own."

He's quiet for a moment, thinking over what I said. "Matt, is that what you want? For me to stop the case? I've been working on this case for years."

Yeah, Mello. That's _exactly_ what I want. I know the case is important to you, but this is just too much! You're saying you're going die now? I can't handle that. I've thought you were dead before, I don't want to face it again; not so soon.

I want to say that, but I don't. Instead, I move closer, very slowly, almost like I'm approaching an animal and I don't want it to run, because, in a way, that's what I'm doing. Mello is like the deer, and any sudden move will make him run.

I move closer until my lips are against his. I pull back when he doesn't immediately respond, and look at him. He looks confused, like he's unsure of what my answer meant.

"I know the case is important to you, but just once, would you think of something other than Kira or L? Can't this be important?" I point at both of us in turn, trying to signal that I mean can't _we _be important for once. "I finally have you back. I don't want to think about losing you again so soon," I add, as I look down slightly, focusing on the cross that hangs from his neck.

I think that's the end of it; that we'll stop talking about this, and not come back to it, like we do with all the things that are hard to talk about. Mello surprises me though; like he always does.

I hear the sound of leather sliding off of skin, and then I feel Mello's bare hand touch my chin, directing me to look up at him. I guess he thought that was important enough to do without gloves.

"Matt…" he starts, speaking slow. "…don't think that I don't consider what we have important. I do, okay? I know it seems like I put the case ahead of us a lot, and I probably do, but that's just how I am. You know that."

"I do, but can't you forget about the case? If not for good, then at least for now?" I reach up as I speak to lift my goggles up so they rest on my forehead, not wanting the orange glass to get between me and his icy blue eyes.

He looks at me for a long moment, his thumb gently moving along my lower lip. His answer comes in the form of another kiss, but this one is stronger. When I kissed him, it was gentle, timid even. When he kisses me, it's stronger and more confident, just like what Mello is compared to me.

My arms move around his waist, pulling him closer. If Mello's going to forget about everything but us for a while, I want to take full advantage of it.

His hand moves to pull off my goggles fully, and I hear them clatter to the ground. It doesn't matter; nothing matters. All that I'm fully conscious of right now is him.

The goggles are followed by the last three gloves (one more on him, two on me,) and somehow we make it to the bedroom. We're not even kissing anymore. We're just close; close enough to feel each other's breath; to hear each other's heartbeats.

I don't even know how exactly it all happens, but somehow I get him out of his leather, and he gets me out of my jeans and stripes. All our clothing lies abandoned on the floor as our lips crash together again, more desperately than before. I hate to believe what he said earlier, but I know he's right, and that we won't have a lot more time, so the desperation is our attempt to make up for it.

We've done this before, but it's so different this time. You'd think we'd have just found out we were going to die in an hour or something, what with the passion we're putting into it. I give myself completely to Mello; not just my body, but my heart and soul as well. Not that they weren't always his, but it's clearer now, and he understands.

Being Mello, he takes what I give him. He mumbles my real name over and over, every time sounding like it's his last word. I say his name too; not Mello, but Mihael. His true name that only I know. The word tastes sweet as I hold him tight, not wanting to let us separate for even a second.

Even with as much stamina as we both have, it can't carry on forever. Eventually we're both too exhausted to continue, and Mello just collapses on top of me. His warm weight is comforting, and somehow I feel like everything's going to be okay, despite what he said. Even if we die, I think we'll still be together.

I feel something wet dripping onto my skin, and I can tell Mello's crying; something that's rare for him. "Mello? What's wrong?"

He takes a moment to answer, and when he does, his voice is steady. "I don't want this to end, Mail. I love you, and as much as I want to solve this case, my resolve is wavering."

That's unusual for him. He's very headstrong, and never backs down from anything. In all the years I've known him, I've never seen him back down from anything he wanted to do.

"Are you serious, Mihael? Really?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do."

"That's alright," I reply, gently rubbing circles on his back. "Just…will you think about it? About choosing us over the Kira case, I mean. Just once, can we be the priority, instead of L, or Kira, or anything else?"

He kisses me again, gently this time. It's more like a reassurance instead of desperation.

"I'll think about it, alright? I'm not promising anything, but I'll think about it," he says, his voice gentle.

"And if you decide to try and finish the case, you'll let me help with whatever you decide to do, even if it's dangerous?" I'm not scared of dying. No, the thing that scares me most is losing him without being able to do anything about it. Maybe I'm too damn loyal for my own good, but I don't care. I want to be there, whatever he decides.

"I don't want you to get hurt Matt, but if you really want to follow along on whatever I end up doing, fine. It's your decision." I can tell it's causing him pain to say that, but it's what I wanted to hear. If he dies, I don't want him to go alone.

"If you don't want me to get hurt, you just have to end this now and give up the case. I don't expect you to though, Mello. I'll follow you no matter what. I already have, and I don't think I can stop at this point," I laugh softly, but I'm dead serious. I searched for him when he left Wammy's house, so I've already shown that I'll follow him. Even if he leaves me behind, I'll follow.

"I said I'll think about it. You're not getting an answer tonight," he replies, and I know that's the end of it. We're done discussing it…for now, at least.

My eyes start to close, sheer exhaustion taking over. I'm not ready to sleep yet.

"Hey, Mello? Are you still awake?"

He mutters yes almost irritated. He probably thinks I'm going to keep bugging him about quitting the case, but I'm not.

"Happy birthday, Mello. I love you," I murmur, gently kissing the part of his head closest to my lips.

He quietly responds with "I love you too," before falling asleep.

Even if one or both of us ends up dead sometime soon, we were together. Even if what we have right now doesn't last long, at least we had it. I've always lived for Mello, and, if it comes down to it, I'll die for him as well. All I can do right now is enjoy every one of these precious moments that we spend together, and hope that we'll live long enough to have more. If we don't, perhaps we'll meet again in death. Wherever I end up, I want it to be with Mello. Heaven or Hell; I'll be content as long as I'm by his side, following along like I always have.


End file.
